Today, we have Megan, from This Beautiful Truth, talking about her journey through infertility. I am very moved by her story and look up to her for being so inspirational and strong during such a tough time. I am so glad she decided to share her story with my readers today. I know many of you may be able to relate fully to her story, so I hope y’all enjoy it!
Like many other little girls, I grew up playing with dolls and dreaming of rocking my own tiny, sweet baby to sleep one day. While I also aspired be a nurse, being a wife and mother were my ultimate goals. I vividly remember the feeling of my heart sinking a little when a doctor told me, “it may be difficult for you to get pregnant one day”. I have always been an optimist though, so I told myself, “okay it may just take a few months or maybe a pill or something – no problem”. Fast forward several years, I was married to my husband Brandon and had my dream job as a pediatric oncology nurse. We had just moved from our home in the Carolinas to the midwest for his job, and I was ready for babies. I remember our friends helping us move into our home in 3 feet of snow, and our pastor praying for children to fill our home. I was excited, being a mother had to be the next step right? A few months after trying we went to see a doctor and began our journey through infertility. It proved to be extremely difficult for the doctor to find the right mix and dosages of drugs, and after 2 years and countless medications/self-administered injections, procedures and a major surgery, we switched doctors. Over the next 14 months we went through more treatment including 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles with some pretty scary and major complications. Infertility takes a toll on you, and I was tired and frustrated. It’s not an easy road to travel. I had always felt like my relationship with God was good. I came to know Christ at age 7, I read my bible, prayed, went to church, did all the “right” things my whole life. I had never experienced such loss, such heart-wrenching pain and anger, especially directed at Him – I was mad at God. I remember crying out in one of my darkest moments, and saying I was done. I didn’t understand why He wouldn’t give me the desires of my heart. If He was such a good God, why didn’t He love me enough to give me what I wanted.
We decided to take a break from fertility treatments and began going down the adoption road. We both had always seen adoption in our family’s future, but we had planned to have biological kids first. See a theme emerging here? My plan. Around this same time, the Lord used a discipleship school and personal Bible study to speak truth to my life and radically change my relationship with the Him. It was hard and painful, and what He showed me about my heart was not very pretty. I realized that I had so often been seeking the Lord for what He could give me. For how it would benefit me. I wanted something from Him (specifically a baby) more than I wanted Him. It hurts me now to say that out loud, but it’s the truth. Once I realized that, I began to see how God had been right there with me, loving me gently and ever-so-patiently throughout every moment in our infertility journey. He is, and always has been, a loving and good God. He pursued me even though I didn’t pursue Him. I came to a point where I could honestly say with conviction, “God, I want you more than I want to carry a baby. I will still love you and I know you are good, even if I never get pregnant.” It was a little scary to say that out-loud, but I knew that God knew and cared greatly about the desire of my heart to become a mother and also to be pregnant (being a mother does not depend on you being pregnant you know). No matter how my road to motherhood happened, I was going to trust Him and believe in His goodness and faithfulness to bring about those desires in His time and His way. I began shifting my focus to pursuing God and getting to know His heart. About a year into our adoption journey, I had to have another major surgery. About 2 months later we found out we were pregnant for the first time in our lives. I will never forget that phone call from the nurse and the overwhelming joy and shock I felt; it was like a dream. The Lord continually showed His glory and faithfulness over the next 9 months, including keeping both me and our tiny baby safe during a risky emergency surgery I had while just 11 weeks pregnant. This little girl was meant to be – in His plan the whole time. He knew she was coming from the start, and she was going to be worth every bit of heartache, pain and time spent waiting.
November 3, 2013 Liv Carolina entered the world – 9 lbs 12.6 oz. & 22.5 in.Her name means “my God is a vow/promise” and “life” – both so fitting. This girl has been such a beautiful, unbelievable gift. She fills our days with pure light and joy, and oftentimes it still doesn’t seem real that I have a sweet baby to rock to sleep at night. Being a mother is everything I dreamed it would be and more. I look at her and see God’s absolute sovereignty, and I’m so thankful for that. She is nothing short of a living, breathing miracle. Going through what we did has allowed me to see that with such clarity. I really do cherish every tiny moment with this girl.
I hope my story encourages someone, whatever stage of motherhood you’re in. I don’t know if I will ever be able to have another biological baby, and that still makes me sad at times, but there is great beauty that came from infertility in my life. Taking the steps to begin our adoption journey we may not have taken otherwise (we are currently back on the waiting list for our son from Uganda). Encouraging friendships I wouldn’t have made otherwise. A deeper relationship with my husband I wouldn’t have had otherwise. A more real picture of who my God is and how well He loves me that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. Don’t get me wrong. I certainly don’t think God causes bad things to happen to us. We live in a fallen world, and sometimes we go through things like infertility and it just sucks and it isn’t fair. I do however think know that waiting time is never wasted time to God. My infertility journey has been really hard, but going through it brought me to a place with the Lord that I wouldn’t trade for anything. We can’t see our whole story, but He does, and He won’t leave it unfinished.
I read this quote and verse recently, and it is really applicable to my story, and I’m sure many of yours too.I
“Who we become and what we appreciate often come from some of the darkest days of our lives.”
“And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.”